To you, Jenn.

Jenn: You are filled with a fire for life that no person would ever understand. You may not realize it - others may not realize it; but this fire for life, for change, for passion - this is what the world needs. The world needs someone who will lift them up, inspire them, give them hope, and give them help. The world does not need someone who offers themself over like a basket of free tokens - that is for the weak at heart to take.

Now, more than ever, we need strength. I have seen the evidence myself; the hatred others have shown toward you, against you, behind you. I know of your limited experience; you do realize that you are filled with a wisdom I shall never know?

If Erica was truly that optimistic, she would have told you of her thoughts about you - for she would have hoped for the best. You know we are all flawed - you know this. Perhaps if she would examine life at its darkest, she would see the real light of optimism shining in her eyes.

Optimism is not the ability to withstand the pessimist inside, around, upon; it is the ability to withstand the hopelessness that life itself, in her own mind's view, offers. This is true optimism.

I Thought He Was Dead - Then I Woke Up

For the first time in a couple of weeks, I got a good night's rest - four hours. Yum. It was very tasty, I assure you. I envy those who are allowed to get 8 hours of sleep - 10 hours of sleep. Aah. Oh well. At least I'm still alive.

My dream didn't leave me too refreshed. I dreamed about my brother's death - for some reason, he was murdered by this crazy psycho killer kid. Not too much to say on that. I woke up believing he was dead. I see him laying in bed and I still believe he is dead. I was indifferent to it - didn't care. Maybe that is why I woke up disturbed. The influence of the dream!

Hopefully in a couple of hours, I will come around to myself. I felt disassociated to the dream world I was in. I wondered why then and I still wonder why now. No use to dwell on death, though, even if it does seem to knock on your subconscience walls.
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Dreaming of Death

"In every moment of our life we face the possibility of death. It is not surprising therefore that the subject of death figures in many dreams. As with any major life event, in our dreams we meet death in various forms as part of our attempt to develop a working relationship with it." - dreamhawk.com

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This Is To The Sins I've Committed

I have sinned in my life. This is my confession.

I cussed someone out in an e-mail when I found out they didn't like me. Though this was five years ago. I'm sorry. I struck someone in vengeance. I told someone's close-held secret. I abandoned someone. I've lied. They were small, but I have. I've cheated on someone. I've manipulated someone. I've led someone on. I've seduced someone. I've broken promises. I've gossiped. I've talked behind someone's back. I've stabbed someone in the back.

Why do I do these things? No matter how aware I think I am, it happens. In the strike of a second, it happens. Now, why?

These things happened in the past. None of them are going on this day. Funny to think a day can go by without harboring guilt.

I wish I could take Jerry's advice. He told me to move on - to stop feeling guilty for everything. But it is so, so hard. I like to think of myself as a good person but then I do something shameful. They have forgiven me - why can't I forgive myself?

Because I feel in me the dark side of humanity. I feel it sucking at my heart and blowing into my mind softly. It is there - I repress it. Is that my problem then? That I repress this? Maybe - I shouldn't worry about it and let it live happily side by side with my moral side. Let them converse freely, but always let morality win the argument over the dark side. I still need to feed it though, or it will fight to stay alive. Without it, I would be without judgment - therefore, I have to thank it.

I give thanks to my dark side. I ask forgiveness for the destruction it has caused. I ask forgiveness for the destruction I have caused.

When Hope is Lost...

Hope is the foundation upon which our future lies - every person's future. Humanities future. A painting that reflects the conscience of its generation came about from the amount of hope and how that hope had been formulated. Perhaps through religion? It is reflected.

And now, through science. Our paintings become more sharp, more metallic in comparison to past generations. What happens if humanity ever loses hope? The hope to live? The hope to love?

Immorality. Can you imagine the worst hell fire? That is what would happen if hope was lost. We would kill each other in our last, miniscule hope to survive. That would be the last thing left. And if one lost the hope to survive?

You are dead. So if you believe in a god, I congratulate you. If you believe in science, I congratulate you. If you believe in humanity, I congratulate you. If you believe in yourself, I congratulate you.

But realize... These hopes are so, very fragile. Fragile as frozen plastic - it cracks and acts like weak paper. The only true hope comes from inside yourself. The strength to do this comes from the conviction inside yourself.