I've had to clean all weekend. It's not bad - a little depressing though. I wanted to go shopping for Christmas gifts but my mom wasn't in the mood. I threw a fit, but not in front of her. Went in my room and fell on the bed frustrated, thinking to myself, "This will pass. Just think about the Universe." Of course, I got distracted and started wondering if anything existed at all - again, paradoxial thinking. It was a good thing though because it did calm me down. I came out of my room more relaxed and started cleaning more. My mom said we could go shopping tomorrow - typical. Oh well. She is probably really tired from working today - maybe I'm being a bit too hard on her about it?
Jerry caught a cold. He's probably sitting at home wrapped in a blanket and drinking tea, trying to put up with the annoyance of his sister. He sounded congested when I talked to him over the phone. I was thinking of stopping by his house and bringing him a drink - something soothing and warm, but obviously I didn't get around to doing that.
Amber's still in Pennsylvania; she's not coming home for Christmas. She said it is too expensive, and for an escort, even more expensive; around $500.00. I miss her badly - she might be a little cynical, but I love her. She's always been a very good, supportive friend.
Scott e-mailed me saying (in response to my wonderings) that I was too clingy, too needy, and that I talked to him too much; it doesn't matter. I don't need him anyhow. I've only changed so much as my reactions to external experiences - sorry if my prep for these reactions was the person you knew long ago as "ARI". (Long ago being five months). I still love him like a sister - but he needs space; maybe lifelong space. I can see that, and that's okay.
I feel a bit depressed and lonely. I would talk to Jerry, but he doesn't feel well. I would talk to Brentnie, but all she talks about is clothes and I can't tell her my true feelings; she's a bit loud-mouthed about stuff like that. I would talk to Melissa, but I don't know if she accepts me as I am. I would talk to Rainie, but she's probably mad at me. I would talk to Julie, but I don't have any deep profound thing I have to share - and I don't want to talk about depresssing things tonight anyhow. Not that it would be depressing but - Oh gosh, I don't think it's a matter of talking to someone on the phone! I just want someone right now to keep me company, but it being a Sunday night, that will not happen. I could always stop by Jerry's house, but again, he isn't feeling well and I wouldn't want to bother him; being ill sucks for anyone.
I've noticed that when I have a bad weekend, I have a good week; when I have a wonderful weekend, I have a terrible week. Is this caused by expectations? I wouldn't doubt that.
*Sighs* I love Jerry so much... I care about my friends a lot... This is the only thing I hope never passes. Things can change so quickly; the relief in an exhale - the suffocating anger with the inhale.
~ARI~
