Sometimes there are no words...

Rachel, Jesal, Julie... had very in-depth conversation with them last night. It opened up my eyes so much; I don't fear the things that are hidden much anymore. The lessons learned... the realization granted. Even from this blog, I hide things. Hiding things gives someone the room to redeem themselves. It gives them a gift, but it can also hinder them. In friendships, there aren't lasting bonds of trust because there's nothing that you hide - almost like you don't give yourself a way out. An escape route; because no matter how safe you feel in your home, shelter, and support, there is always that danger of a fire - and it is best if you have a way to get out. ... I'd rather people not know these things. I don't want to make them feel bad, neither would I ever want their sympathy - because if I received their sympathy, I would be dishonouring myself; the fact of the matter is, I have learned things from what I hide. I value that I have an escape route. Having things hidden is almost a blessing; a chance for baptism. For renewal; A way to tell people, "When I come back from my absence, you will appreciate it, no matter how long I was gone."

When you uncover what is hidden, it only leaves more to be hidden.

Rachel and I talked most of the night. She sees parts of herself in me; and I see parts of myself in her. There is something very fulfilling about her presence... wise, almost. Something that is almost a wonder to behold... I've never met anyone that can show true compassion. And now, it seems I have.

Julie got sick from alcohol last night, I'd guess. She left the room a lot and served us all wine. She probably drunk much more than we all did. She seemed like she wanted to be alone many times; I fully understand that... without breaks from people and from society, I start doing things that I am ashamed of; start saying things that I am ashamed of. Call them meditational breaks, if you will =) . I think everyone needs time in their life to reboot - and if they don't find that time, they become all out of whack. I wish she wouldn't have gotten sick... I know she would've enjoyed the topics discussed and I think all of us would've liked to talk to Julie and get her opinion on everything.

Jesal has feelings and thoughts kept close to her that no one would imagine she harbors; she read some of her diary entries last night to us, and none of it shocked me: She faces so much pressure from people to be a certain way. People sometimes view Jesal as 'innocent' or 'timid'; 'immature,' even. And that's ridiculous. No one knows who she is; I don't know who she is, but I know as much about her as she tells me. No one can ever predict the reactions of another person. Jesal's innocense is such a gift. I wish the people who were trying to pull her down would realize what harm they are doing to her as well as themselves.

Some people will fall forward and some will fall back. The people who fall back love it when everyone else is just as fallen as them; how... would that ever be virtuous? Courageous? Where would you derive your chance to see things as they really are?

Sometimes there are no words... when you sit beside a person and stare - It's like both people understand the truth. The deepest truths. These truths can only be achieved by staring and being. Sometimes you sit for so long and stare that you can feel the molecules and atoms swirling, changing, morphing, melting, sparking, shivering, bonding, reproducing, creating, dying... life. Almost life.

Almost.