Chapter 3 New Truths

2005-03-01T21:44:00.000-06:00

A guy named Albert asked me out today after school. I wasn't that surprised. I knew he liked me, and I DO like him but not as a crush, you know? I'll give it a chance. He seems to be a very sweet guy so why not? You know? I talked to him on the phone. He's quiet, but he talks when he's interested. Anyways, just wanted to update lol ^_^.

Crying Embers' Magnitude

2005-02-28T05:45:00.000-06:00

The glass of the wilted Earth shatters the potent sea,
taking sobbing Embers from their shore, littered with ash,
charred leaves and dust.
August gale, blow from the East, take rope and wind-it-round,
around their belts and flinty tears, convulsion of rock,
metal and crust.
First nadir, then zenith, first my yang, and then my yin,
hidden lava trailing pale, white marble,
distance from the wind's discover.
The stealthy glass of the observer's wonder,
controlled by her hand, the Embers' mother,
snuck this sanguine, rosen slit.
Pinched from the glass's sweet, frozen kiss.
© 2005 Arianne Watson

Annie

2005-02-26T01:31:00.000-06:00

I saw Annie, the school play today. They actually performed it really well, and Rainey did a good job as leading role. I didn't know she could sing until today. Jerry and David were the two butlers. Hm o_o. *shrug* And Vicki was one of the NYC girls. I told Rainey she did a good job aterwards, while she was still standing on stage receiving flowers. While I was outside waiting for my mom to pick me up, she came up to me asking if I was okay. I said, "Yeah. I'm fine." She asked if I was sure, and I said yes. She was forced away by her mom, who was saying everyone was getting cold.

I appreciate Rainey's concern, but I don't think I could trust her to stay by my side as a friend - anotherwards, she's very flittish. Not only that, but she seems concerned after Jerry and I break up. I dunno. I guess I'd understand why she'd do that, and after all... it was disrespectful of me to go out with someone I knew my friends liked. Well, I dunno. I just have trouble opening up to her now.

I like this guy named Kirk in my Biology class. It's only a tiny, small, wittle crush though, so don't go freaking out on me! He's German (and seems to take pride in it), he's so nice and seems like such a gentleman, and he's very attractive. He just got out of a three year relationship so... um.. talk about 'rebound,' huh? Naw, you all should know by now that I wouldn't go out with a guy unless I got to know him. Well, it's the same in this situation.

And... it's only a little crush...

A little one.

Just... it's small.

*coughs*

A lot has happened... well... kind of.

2005-02-25T06:47:00.000-06:00

Jerry and I broke up. It was mutual but he told me afterward that he was thinking about breaking up with me for 2-3 weeks. I can't be angry at him - there's nothing to be angry at him about. He kept my trust. He was the only one who ever made me feel so beautiful. What gift is there other than that? I would appreciate his friendship, but it is hard to keep it up when we see each other so little.

I went to the E.R two days ago in fear of a heart attack. There was nothing wrong with my heart, but I was diagnosed with Costochondritis. I hope it doesn't end up being chronic.

I've made friends with Cassandra and Britney. Well, from what I can see atleast. I talked to Cassandra on the phone last night, and Britney, talked to her in Choir. I can't say me and Britney will have a close friendship because the truth is I don't know. It depends on how much she relates with me. I relate with her because she seems pretty fun to be around and if I'm going to be friends with someone, they have to either be a supporter or need supporting. She can also make a big deal out of something and then a minute later make it out like it was nothing. She's a druggie, though so... I have to be cautious. I can't get hooked on that shit.

Cassandra's really supportive. I think we have a lot in common in our way of viewing life. She's more 'out-there' in the dating realm. I guess that's our only difference is that I take dating a little more seriously and date longer. I've found that she gets depressed a lot, which I didn't know about before.

Tomorrow I have to go to a friend's birthday party. See ya later!

Movie Critic:: Picnic (1955)

2005-02-08T06:07:00.000-06:00

This movie, an award-winning film adaptation of the William Inge Play, is about a man named Hal Carter, an arrogant drifter, who in less than two words disturbs the peace in a quiet Kansas town when going to visit an old friend. Unfortunatly... This movie was poop. Pure, and utter - poop. Of course in 1955, these kind of scenario's must have been inspiring. In a world of betrayel, it only angered me to see more.

Millie (Susan Strasberg) is the first character to appear in the movie. She looks like a tomboy and is obviously jealous of her sister, Madge (Kim Novak). Throughout the movie, Millie (nicknamed Goonface) introduces a series of scenes where she pitifully cries, "Madge is the pretty one!" and runs off in a fit of tears. Personally? I feel sorry for this girl. SHE is the true star of this movie. Yet, of course, it is stolen by the 'perfect looking' Madge, whom gets tired of everyone telling her she's pretty. The first scene Madge appears in, she is drying her hair outside of a window. Millie goes to sit underneath the window (to read a book) and her sister's wet hair droplets land on it. Millie, upset, is countered with an arrogant response from her sister.

The sister mix-up not only upset me, but the layout of the romance scenes. Hal, the absolute main character, is sent to the Picnic with Millie. Now, as everyone knows, Millie and Hal can not end up together: There's too much of an age difference. That isn't what upset me. What upset me was the way Madge got around to stealing the man away from her little sister (whom Millie was falling in love with.) One scene featured Millie and Hal, trying to dance on a dock during the Picnic. Millie, who couldn't get a dance step down right, is interrupted by her sister Madge, coming down the steps with the perfected dance step, all the while locking eyes with Hal.

Know what I hated with burning rage? That Madge almost had to SEDUCE this man to make him fall in love with her.

This movie was poop. I rarely hate movies, but in this case?... We'll leave this up to the Oscars.

Darvocet-N 100

2005-02-01T17:56:00.000-06:00

Is it wrong to say I love this prescription pain killer, despite the barfing, dizzyness, extreme weakness, slowed heartrate, and chilled skin? Well, if it's wrong, I don't care to be right.

Came back from the appointment yesterday. The nurse gave me some antibiotic for my 'developing' ear infection, and for the pain, I didn't take Motrin: Instead, I took Darvocet-N, which was prescribed for pain to me a while back for the last thing I needed antibiotic for. Unfortunatly, and stupidly, I took it during school. I took two tablets in the morning at 7am and close to the afternoon around 11:30. I was dizzy the whole day and everyone thought I was high because my speech was slurred and the Darvocet slowed my thinking. But oh well. They can think what they want.

7th period, I barfed it up. Luckily I had counselor's aide and I was right beside a trash can. Also luckily, the trash woman was in there and was able to get the trash bag I'd barfed in out of there before it stunk the place up.

Went into choir teary-eyed because of my barfing session. Drank some water before class. Got a mountain dew after class. Told Chris, this guy on my bus, about the whole reason I was all 'freaky', and he gave me this really wierd look. My speech was still slow and slurred, and my thinking was loopy-acting. He told me that I was a natural born pothead. He turned to the guy beside him in the bus seat and said quietly that he'd never heard of Darvocet and that I probably got high or something.... Yeah. Me? Whatever.

I don't believe in bad drugs. They're like...... bad for you.... or whatever..... Luckily, I'm sobering up from the side-effects. I think. o_o....

Maybe I'll take it again tomorrow.

New haircut, new worries... Okay, so they aren't worries..

2005-01-31T09:11:00.000-06:00

So my mom makes an appointment for my ear (I'm always stuck with some illness) and the hospital has to call back to make the appointment. Kind of pissed off that I can't make it to school because my mom is worried about no one being home to answer the phone while she takes my brother and sister to school (they missed the bus. Typical.) Not that it was their fault. Okay... so it was. A little bit. Let's just say I hate laying blame. Okay, I've made up my mind: It's not their fault o_o...

I'd like to apologize to Jerry for last night's phone call. Although he will never be reading this thing, it still relieves me to do this. So here goes.

Sorry for last night... the phone call... I realize mostly everything I talked about was unpleasant. I hate it, burdening others with what I have to say.. Thank you so much, Jerry. For listening...

For all you out there wondering what the hell I talked about... too bad, like last post, you won't know. As much as I love anyone who reads this pointless thing, there are just some things that are, well, private. Like how I should get therapy? That's private. But I won't tell you about that.

My parents got a brain and finally bought furniture for the living room. Wow, this is my chance to become a fat, couch potato. Hopefully my brother's destructive side doesn't get turned on by the tactfulness of it all... --_--.

Appointment's been made at 2:00. I'll probably get checked out during Civics. Well, I gatta go, all. Byes =)

Know those times?

2005-01-29T23:29:00.000-06:00

Do you know those times when you aren't in the right state of mind and suddenly you're like..... F*CK ME!... Because you end up doing something that people, nor yourself, would like later?

Yeah... Well, this is one of those times.

Okay, so I have to shut up about that right now for certain reasons, but if anyone wants to know? Too bad, you'll never find out.

Sarah's party was okay. I was really quiet (like I always am around people I can't be 'loose' with or... whatever...). It was pretty fun. When I came home is when I felt crappy... Sorry I'm being so vague. I have to for reasons, though. Please - understand. I guess I have to upbump my meditation minutes... Actually... I kind of feel stupid, cutting off my self-observation (I did this so I could feel less tired and bogged down - I'd rather feel that now, though, than what I just felt...)

Can't let anyone see... wait... then... everything will be okay and I will start self-observing again... God, I feel so freaking stupid... --_--

Transfer

2005-01-24T23:53:00.000-06:00

So I have had about less than a week to settle into North Pulaski. Lets just say it was a blow to me how different it was. First off, people at Mills are much more respectful. Most people there deserve respect -- at North Pulaski, there are all assortments of people... Sometimes unpleasant assortments. Most people are pretty nice, though, and not only that, but the work there is easier. There isn't as much pressure to perform well and the teachers are, although less inclined to teach well, are very thorough about the subjects they do teach. I think the school entails more common sense in their students than intelligence, but hey -- to everyone their own, right? And if that includes priorities, that's great.

Me and Jerry's Xbox have made amends. We (Xbox and I) stayed up all night talking about how he isn't allowed naked chicks and excessive violence -- we agreed that if it got that far, we'd pull the plug......... Okay, so obviously we didn't really talk. But I've come to terms with it. Plus, he doesn't play on it as much as I thought he did. He was just excited about his new games (toys =) and wanted to check them out. I should learn to give him more room when it comes to stuff like that. I'm trying, though, I really am. I've gave him room on everything else, so - hey, it shouldn't be that hard, right? After all, he really can be a sweetie.. even if other people don't see that side of him..

This weekend, maybe Friday, Julie, me, and a few other people (maybe two, I dunno) will try to get together and hang out. I have a party to go to Saturday (like I did last week, for Sarah C.'s birthday party. It was actually pretty fun.) and Sunday, don't really have anything planned. I might use that day to kick back on.

Well, I'm out. I'll write later. I have a whole night (yes, pulling another all-nighter. Ridiculous, huh. =/ )

Xbox

2005-01-17T09:08:00.000-06:00

Lately, Jerry's been acting wierd - and it's been this way since he got his Xbox on Christmas. He's getting more and more addicted to video games - I say addicted because he now seems to always be playing them. Read on here. (http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5575002). If you can't access the page, but want to know what's been said on it, just e-mail me at Weliviell@gmail.com.

The Dullest Blog in the World

2005-01-12T02:03:00.000-06:00

(CLICK TITLE) This blog is fascinating to me. Very fascinating. It captures the essence of life in its most deepest, profound moments...

"I had several pieces of paper in front of me. I looked at one of them for a few moments, then put it aside. Having done so I picked up another piece and looked at it for a while."

Aah yes... the smell of life is in the air. Then again, this is found to be interesting by a person who is content merely to breathe =).

Drowsy

2005-01-07T20:52:00.000-06:00

I've been so tired because of the pain medication I've been taking. It made me sick because I haven't eaten all day (slept in) and drunk some milk in replacement of food and... it didn't help. So about an hour afterward, I felt nautious and threw the milk and pill up =[. I'm also taking antibiotics because I have something wrong with my upper leg and it hurts really bad. I know what it's called, but I'm not goin' to say on here. (lol). Blood is coming from it now but I have it covered up and I disinfect it about three times a day so it should all be gone here in three days.

Jerry's had to go to rehearsals all week after school for the 'Annie' play at North Pulaski that he made it into (servant part). He has to work with other people in doing singing and dancing and all that other jazz, so whenever he gets home he's really tired and usually not in the mood to talk. Whether that's caused by the Annie play or not, I don't really care. I'm too tired to talk to him tonight...

I didn't get credit in two of my classes. *shrugs* Oh well. I can always make that up and stuff. I don't care if I fail because well... there are more important things in life. Namely: People. Yes. People. But anyway... We have a new guy at the head of the schoolboard, and he wants to do all this crap to the schools. And as I said, all of it is CRAP. (((*edited* Been told I've mixed up names))) He's talking about changing North Pulaski High School to North Pulaski Art Academy, changing Jacksonville High School to Jacksonville Technical Academy (or some crud like that). Supposedly making all elementary and middle schools all boy/all girl schools - WTF?!?! --_-- He wanted to do that with the High Schools too, but they objected to that as we'd have four years with the opposite gender *rolls eyes*... God....I hope they kick him off the board... He's only wanting to do this stuff because HE wants to change SOMETHING. So stupid...

Well I don't have much else to write. So, I will write later when I am more awake and less sick-feeling.

Sometimes there are no words...

2004-12-30T15:26:00.000-06:00

Rachel, Jesal, Julie... had very in-depth conversation with them last night. It opened up my eyes so much; I don't fear the things that are hidden much anymore. The lessons learned... the realization granted. Even from this blog, I hide things. Hiding things gives someone the room to redeem themselves. It gives them a gift, but it can also hinder them. In friendships, there aren't lasting bonds of trust because there's nothing that you hide - almost like you don't give yourself a way out. An escape route; because no matter how safe you feel in your home, shelter, and support, there is always that danger of a fire - and it is best if you have a way to get out. ... I'd rather people not know these things. I don't want to make them feel bad, neither would I ever want their sympathy - because if I received their sympathy, I would be dishonouring myself; the fact of the matter is, I have learned things from what I hide. I value that I have an escape route. Having things hidden is almost a blessing; a chance for baptism. For renewal; A way to tell people, "When I come back from my absence, you will appreciate it, no matter how long I was gone."

When you uncover what is hidden, it only leaves more to be hidden.

Rachel and I talked most of the night. She sees parts of herself in me; and I see parts of myself in her. There is something very fulfilling about her presence... wise, almost. Something that is almost a wonder to behold... I've never met anyone that can show true compassion. And now, it seems I have.

Julie got sick from alcohol last night, I'd guess. She left the room a lot and served us all wine. She probably drunk much more than we all did. She seemed like she wanted to be alone many times; I fully understand that... without breaks from people and from society, I start doing things that I am ashamed of; start saying things that I am ashamed of. Call them meditational breaks, if you will =) . I think everyone needs time in their life to reboot - and if they don't find that time, they become all out of whack. I wish she wouldn't have gotten sick... I know she would've enjoyed the topics discussed and I think all of us would've liked to talk to Julie and get her opinion on everything.

Jesal has feelings and thoughts kept close to her that no one would imagine she harbors; she read some of her diary entries last night to us, and none of it shocked me: She faces so much pressure from people to be a certain way. People sometimes view Jesal as 'innocent' or 'timid'; 'immature,' even. And that's ridiculous. No one knows who she is; I don't know who she is, but I know as much about her as she tells me. No one can ever predict the reactions of another person. Jesal's innocense is such a gift. I wish the people who were trying to pull her down would realize what harm they are doing to her as well as themselves.

Some people will fall forward and some will fall back. The people who fall back love it when everyone else is just as fallen as them; how... would that ever be virtuous? Courageous? Where would you derive your chance to see things as they really are?

Sometimes there are no words... when you sit beside a person and stare - It's like both people understand the truth. The deepest truths. These truths can only be achieved by staring and being. Sometimes you sit for so long and stare that you can feel the molecules and atoms swirling, changing, morphing, melting, sparking, shivering, bonding, reproducing, creating, dying... life. Almost life.

Almost.

Iced Over?

2004-12-22T15:50:00.000-06:00

I was planning to visit Jerry around six o'clock tonight so I could give him his gifts, but the weather has different plans in mind. Tiny little hail balls have been pouring down from the sky all morning. I'm probably going to be stuck at home, no doubt - but that can always be a good thing. Depends on what I do with my time.

I had an aweful nightmare last night. These groups of people would go to this island that wasn't far away from land. Supposedly, a circus performed there but each time a group of people went over there, groups of clowns and odd creatures would knock at least one person unconscience and carry them on their shoulder from the island back to land. Then, they would carry 'their' chosen person to a tent, a home, an apartment, anything they could get themselves into and horribly rape their victim.

I was the victim in the dream once. I think, though, that it was more horrible watching all the people getting raped.

There is no such thing as evil; only what we see as horror.

Coffee in the Early, Gray Morning

2004-12-20T09:08:00.000-06:00

I went to bed early last night. (Nine o'clock, early for me.) I woke up around 5:30a.m., and here I am at seven waiting for my coffee to brew. It smells so good, with me all refreshed and a bit groggy at the same time. I've spent the past hour posting on Gaiaonline.com. That website poses so many interesting topics, especially on Extended Discussion.

I'll probably talk to Jerry later in the week. I think we both need time to ourselves (my basis with every friendship/relationship lol.) I really want time to myself. I haven't had this time in what seems like forever.

Of course, I could live without it - but it's a great benifit sometimes. I like time to cultivate my thoughts and compassion... to wonder what I am really grateful for (to find that I'm grateful for everything in my life.) My friends get angry at me for giving this time to myself... if only they understood what great benifit it gives to them also.

Later today, I'm going over to Julie's to spend the night. There's a teen staff party at the Main Library tomorrow.

Christmas Party

2004-12-19T04:02:00.000-06:00

I didn't go to the wedding. No big surprise there. I did, however, go to Donna's/Jerry's/and his step-dad's party. It was okay - a lot of people showed up, left, showed up again, left somewhere else... it was kind of crazy.

Kaleb, David, and I were left at the end around one o'clock. I didn't want to leave his house because that would mean going back to mine - where it is unmercifully loud.

Michael (Jerry's step-dad) was being really stupid drunk off his ass. Kept being all, "Hey... Jerry... want some of that punch? I mean, you know... it's on the table. I mean, you're not supposed to have it but... yeah, it's on the table." *Rolls eyes* Tons of times, he offered me the punch and not too much later, offered the Jello... the SPIKED Jello, or whatever the hell he called it. Of course, I don't think Kaleb minded much.

When my mom came to pick me up (I had called earlier), I went outside without my boots on and everyone (Donna's friends) were like, "Oh my god, get your shoes on! Where are your shoes?" Blah blah... blah. I HAD MY BOOTS IN MY HAND. So got my boots on... and shit. Then went back inside, told my mom to hold on.

When I got inside, I told Jerry, Kaleb, and David the story of "The Wonder Attack of the Drunkards on the Innocent Shoeless Girl" story. Kaleb was like, "And you came in here just to tell us that?" (To tell the truth, half of the reason I came in there was to talk to Jerry alone and crap... I don't want to just LEAVE and not say much to him.)

So I took two tissues out of the box. Layed one on David's head, then layed one on Jerry's head. Somehow Jerry got the picture and followed me into the kitchen.

We got in there and hugged each other. Kissed, then I told him I loved him. He was like, "I love you, too." And smiled in this real cheezy way (not that it was bad). A few seconds later, we were walking toward the door and he said, "Why do you always beat me to it?"

I looked at him and said, "Beat you to what? The tissues?" He was like, "No..." And I was like, "Um.. the door?" And he's like, "No....." Finally it clicked.

I always tell him I love him first - and I beat him to it, too. (Supposedly)

I'm not sure, but I think when I went out the door, he said 'I love you..' again softly... I guess tomorrow, I owe him an explanation of my pathetic, hence *TRUE*, explorations of the reasons behind going back into the house to tell the story of "The Wonder Attack of the Drunkards on the Innocent Shoeless Girl."

Feeling Still

2004-12-18T00:13:00.000-06:00

I've felt still inside for the past week. I've felt like nothing can move me. I do have occasional moments of emotional movement, but I make it cease - it only causes me strife, anger, sadness... stuff that I only need to feel when it is justifiable. To feel anger over stupid things is... just... well, stupid.

Jerry wants me to go to a wedding tomorrow for Steven's dad, but I really don't think I'll be up=ready for it. It starts at two o'clock and it's 12:17a.m. right now - I really don't think I'll wake up in time. Speaking of which...

The reason I'm not in bed is because Brentnie is spending the night. She likes it over my house because it's loud (?)(wtf??) Yeah. *Ahem*... I don't get the reasoning behind that. I guess I like her house because it's quiet.

I want to dance tonight. I love dancing.

The Care in Wrapping

2004-12-14T17:23:00.000-06:00

I never thought how much care and practice it takes to wrap a simple present. When I wrap, it feels like I'm intertwining my love into the gift. I'm pretty sure this is how mothers feel when wrapping gifts for the family - or maybe only a taste of how it feels.

One of our teachers was going to get fired, so he resigned and got a job at UALR. The rumors were true, supposedly; he talked about something really inappropriate with a student/class (not sure which). Eh.. I won't miss him. He was a bit apathetic - I do wish him well though.

I made a 74% on my speech in Oral Communication. Oh well. Can't be the best at everything (not that I would ever claim that either.) The topic was Pro-Censorship.

Jerry's still sick. I'm not going to call him this afternoon; he's probably feeling horrible right now.

I gave Julie and Sarah their gifts. They seemed to like them =); I was glad they did. I've been wanting to get all of my friends gifts this year ^-^.

This, Too, Will Pass - all of it...

2004-12-12T18:50:00.000-06:00

I've had to clean all weekend. It's not bad - a little depressing though. I wanted to go shopping for Christmas gifts but my mom wasn't in the mood. I threw a fit, but not in front of her. Went in my room and fell on the bed frustrated, thinking to myself, "This will pass. Just think about the Universe." Of course, I got distracted and started wondering if anything existed at all - again, paradoxial thinking. It was a good thing though because it did calm me down. I came out of my room more relaxed and started cleaning more. My mom said we could go shopping tomorrow - typical. Oh well. She is probably really tired from working today - maybe I'm being a bit too hard on her about it?

Jerry caught a cold. He's probably sitting at home wrapped in a blanket and drinking tea, trying to put up with the annoyance of his sister. He sounded congested when I talked to him over the phone. I was thinking of stopping by his house and bringing him a drink - something soothing and warm, but obviously I didn't get around to doing that.

Amber's still in Pennsylvania; she's not coming home for Christmas. She said it is too expensive, and for an escort, even more expensive; around $500.00. I miss her badly - she might be a little cynical, but I love her. She's always been a very good, supportive friend.

Scott e-mailed me saying (in response to my wonderings) that I was too clingy, too needy, and that I talked to him too much; it doesn't matter. I don't need him anyhow. I've only changed so much as my reactions to external experiences - sorry if my prep for these reactions was the person you knew long ago as "ARI". (Long ago being five months). I still love him like a sister - but he needs space; maybe lifelong space. I can see that, and that's okay.

I feel a bit depressed and lonely. I would talk to Jerry, but he doesn't feel well. I would talk to Brentnie, but all she talks about is clothes and I can't tell her my true feelings; she's a bit loud-mouthed about stuff like that. I would talk to Melissa, but I don't know if she accepts me as I am. I would talk to Rainie, but she's probably mad at me. I would talk to Julie, but I don't have any deep profound thing I have to share - and I don't want to talk about depresssing things tonight anyhow. Not that it would be depressing but - Oh gosh, I don't think it's a matter of talking to someone on the phone! I just want someone right now to keep me company, but it being a Sunday night, that will not happen. I could always stop by Jerry's house, but again, he isn't feeling well and I wouldn't want to bother him; being ill sucks for anyone.

I've noticed that when I have a bad weekend, I have a good week; when I have a wonderful weekend, I have a terrible week. Is this caused by expectations? I wouldn't doubt that.

*Sighs* I love Jerry so much... I care about my friends a lot... This is the only thing I hope never passes. Things can change so quickly; the relief in an exhale - the suffocating anger with the inhale.

~ARI~

Subway

2004-12-10T00:06:00.000-06:00

American culture kind of sucks. I'm white and I have no culture - I mean, I descend from Poland, but that doesn't count.

I went to a choir concert at a local high school today. Jerry is in mixed choir, so he asked me to come and I was more than happy to. His choir was the only one that didn't suck, and I'm not saying that just because he was in it. After that, we went to Subway.

Every time I go to Subway, they have attractive teenagers working there - what's up with that? Is it like that in every Subway? I wouldn't know. I mean, it's not like I go to every Subway just to see everyone who works there. They would start wondering something was wrong with me - obsessed with their cucumbers or italian bread, or something.

I'm tired of the music that is currently at the top of the charts. It all kind of sucks right now. They need some music. Real music. Not that pop stuff - or whatever they call it now.. rock? Do they call it rock? OH YES, they call it rock... -_-; Good songs contain vibrato voices - even if the vibrato is expressed through screaming. The punk bands sound a bit nasally.

~A road stamped with
the seal of a damp tire,
the treads stripped and
air seething. Brings me
back to my holiday. I
broke down, my coins
and I - We broke down.
Always the fifth season -
The fifth season drinking
cider. I could be stranded
on the side of a road and
you'd show up beside me -
I don't know whether you
would rip the tires off or
replace them. Seems like
everyone I know, I've
met not long ago.~

Rising Lymph Nodes

2004-12-08T00:29:00.000-06:00

This week has been stressful. Sad, it having to be stressful enough to elevate people's lymph nodes - and when people start bitching about how bad the week's been going, you would think, "Oh. Exaggeration." Far from that - something about the mind meeting major changes or something like that. I love people who make a big deal out of things; makes your 'problems' smaller.

A close friend wants her poetry published and wants to use me as a model for some of the pictures in it. To be truthful, I don't see how I could contribute to the art field especially in terms of my body. But oh well - as I quote her, "With the right pose and clothing and stuff." Yep. And stuff.

Every time I write an entry in here, I'm afraid I'm going to say something wrong. It is a blog though and I should be able to express my true feelings, right?

Well, I found three new 'faults' in me today:

Talk too much
Concentration breaks very easily
When I fail to grasp a problem in its entirety and mystery, I get very pissed.

Talking too much: Found this out on the bus. I talk a lot. Really, on the bus - I talk for over 30 minutes about stupid things. Concentration breaking: Found this out in Geometry when Julie (same friend wanting to get her poetry published) talked to me and handed me a camera, expecting me to look at the pictures. Of course I was called on and made to stand up for 'not paying attention''. I had been, but I didn't want to answer the question because I felt lazy. <~~ Good excuse, I know. *Rolls eyes.*

THIS is where Romance meets Challenge

2004-12-08T00:00:00.000-06:00

I told someone, lets say a friend, about Saturday night - spent the night at Jerry's house. I told her some things that happened (funny, yet personal things) and the next day she embarrassed him in front of his friends about it and he called me later Monday afternoon sounding a bit upset. I talked to her about it respectively and she took it a bit too seriously and didn't talk to Jerry at all today.

I'm angry at myself for this and I have absolutely no right to blame my friend. I shouldn't have told her anything. It was personal, and it should have stayed between Jerry and I. He says he isn't upset with me, but if he is resentful I wouldn't blame him one bit. As he told me though - it will all blow over eventually. Soon, no one will care what our business is and will recognize us as an item and not just two people 'being boyfriend and girlfriend.'

He seems less enthusiastic to talk to me on the phone now. I guess it would be that way, us talking every day and all. It would get quite boring. I didn't say "I Love you" to him. I don't know if he wanted to hear it or not but he didn't say it either, and all we said was 'bye' to each other. That's okay though - I did bring up to him, when over at his house, that you have to be very careful with those words; especially over the phone because after awhile, 'I Love you' starts to sound very plastic, rigid, and rehearsed. For some reason, he remembers a lot of things I say and do so perhaps it is what I said - but I am analyzing his actions too much, aren't I? Lol.

My Dear, I need to hold back

2004-11-29T21:50:00.000-06:00

I've only known Jerry a month and one week. The first week, I was with him every night because of a Halloween event that we were volunteering for (a haunted-house-type project). I asked him out the very last night - Halloween night: The last night I thought I would see him. He has went through a lot, but out of respect I won't write about it.

I made many enemies a few days after that night, when I had called him on the phone. He had a fair number of girls falling for him - they all went to his school. When they found out about us together, I heard it had been shock - 'Ari, a girl who goes to another school?!' Chaos. I ignored it though and let people say what they wanted to me; after all, maybe they didn't mean every hateful thing that came out of their mouths. Did they mean to be resentful and let me know it? Hell yes.

I'm transferring to another school. Jerry is there, but so is everyone else that dislikes me. I don't want to leave my current school; everyone there loves me and I love everyone else there! My family just can't afford to drive me back and forth when I need a ride. I will be friendly, though. They can say what they want when I get there. Actually, I expect them to say bad things to me - but what am I supposed to do? It would only hurt me to get angry or defensive about everything.

I love Jerry... and I trust him. I've only known him a little over a month, and I love him. I trust him to trust me; I trust in his assurance that he is just as determined as I am for us to be there for each other. He listens to me and he responds - I trust him to tell me how he is feeling when it is important to him. He's tried to comfort me when I'm upset and if he ever needed it, I would do the same. Will we always be able to live up to all this for each other? Probably not. Could we get through that? Yes. Is it too early to tell that we have what it takes to be there for each other yet still stay content? I don't know - I think everything is too early. Too early to be born, to speak, to think, to breathe, to die... Why wouldn't it be too early to love?

I know Jerry isn't perfect. No one is, and I know we will have rocky times. I don't expect much from him - Just that this is an experience worth to live for and I care so very much about him. After all, a blizzard can last a day but would you tell someone that it never happened?
I know love when I feel it - it is so much more different than the obsessive turbulence of Infatuation.

Concert Annoyances

2004-11-21T16:04:00.000-06:00

Went to All Region for choir last night. Evidently, I had made it into Treble girls choir, 22nd chair. If they had put me back two more chairs, I would have made it into mixed choir (Which, though having a few pitch problems, did very well). I met the girl in Treble who had made 21st chair. Her name was Sarah. She seemed very friendly, but I won't meet her again unless she makes all region next year. I might not recognize her then. We only had a nice little chat. We didn't connect on a personal level or anything.

Jr. High mixed choir introduced the concert with a wonderful entrance. Though I forget the song, it was a wonderful marching piece, and they started from the sidelines of the stage and marched up in step with the song onto the stands. Jr. High Treble choir could have done a bit better with their performance. One song required them to be happy. But - that was what kind of ruined their performance.

The concert went pretty well. Senior Treble girls (us) messed up a bit on The Blessing. It was a sight reading piece. The director had given us 15 minutes to learn it. Everyone in the choir was a bit unhappy about that, but overall it went pretty well - no one in the audience realized we had messed up; they thought our mistake was part of the song.

I do have a few concert annoyances, in order from most to least:

Crying babies - there is always that one crying baby......
Kids who yell out, "Go __(insert friend/family member's name here)__"
Directors who talk too much on the microphone before another choir sings
When people throw up on stage in the middle of a pretty song
When choir members scratch their noses or play with their hair while singing
Cell phone rings
When people whisper behind me during a song

I'm pretty sure a few of you would agree with me.

To you, Jenn.

2004-11-15T23:28:00.000-06:00

Jenn: You are filled with a fire for life that no person would ever understand. You may not realize it - others may not realize it; but this fire for life, for change, for passion - this is what the world needs. The world needs someone who will lift them up, inspire them, give them hope, and give them help. The world does not need someone who offers themself over like a basket of free tokens - that is for the weak at heart to take.

Now, more than ever, we need strength. I have seen the evidence myself; the hatred others have shown toward you, against you, behind you. I know of your limited experience; you do realize that you are filled with a wisdom I shall never know?

If Erica was truly that optimistic, she would have told you of her thoughts about you - for she would have hoped for the best. You know we are all flawed - you know this. Perhaps if she would examine life at its darkest, she would see the real light of optimism shining in her eyes.

Optimism is not the ability to withstand the pessimist inside, around, upon; it is the ability to withstand the hopelessness that life itself, in her own mind's view, offers. This is true optimism.

I Thought He Was Dead - Then I Woke Up

2004-11-15T04:49:00.000-06:00

For the first time in a couple of weeks, I got a good night's rest - four hours. Yum. It was very tasty, I assure you. I envy those who are allowed to get 8 hours of sleep - 10 hours of sleep. Aah. Oh well. At least I'm still alive.

My dream didn't leave me too refreshed. I dreamed about my brother's death - for some reason, he was murdered by this crazy psycho killer kid. Not too much to say on that. I woke up believing he was dead. I see him laying in bed and I still believe he is dead. I was indifferent to it - didn't care. Maybe that is why I woke up disturbed. The influence of the dream!

Hopefully in a couple of hours, I will come around to myself. I felt disassociated to the dream world I was in. I wondered why then and I still wonder why now. No use to dwell on death, though, even if it does seem to knock on your subconscience walls.
--------------------------
Dreaming of Death
"In every moment of our life we face the possibility of death. It is not surprising therefore that the subject of death figures in many dreams. As with any major life event, in our dreams we meet death in various forms as part of our attempt to develop a working relationship with it." - dreamhawk.com
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This Is To The Sins I've Committed

2004-11-14T22:49:00.000-06:00

I have sinned in my life. This is my confession.

I cussed someone out in an e-mail when I found out they didn't like me. Though this was five years ago. I'm sorry. I struck someone in vengeance. I told someone's close-held secret. I abandoned someone. I've lied. They were small, but I have. I've cheated on someone. I've manipulated someone. I've led someone on. I've seduced someone. I've broken promises. I've gossiped. I've talked behind someone's back. I've stabbed someone in the back.

Why do I do these things? No matter how aware I think I am, it happens. In the strike of a second, it happens. Now, why?

These things happened in the past. None of them are going on this day. Funny to think a day can go by without harboring guilt.

I wish I could take Jerry's advice. He told me to move on - to stop feeling guilty for everything. But it is so, so hard. I like to think of myself as a good person but then I do something shameful. They have forgiven me - why can't I forgive myself?

Because I feel in me the dark side of humanity. I feel it sucking at my heart and blowing into my mind softly. It is there - I repress it. Is that my problem then? That I repress this? Maybe - I shouldn't worry about it and let it live happily side by side with my moral side. Let them converse freely, but always let morality win the argument over the dark side. I still need to feed it though, or it will fight to stay alive. Without it, I would be without judgment - therefore, I have to thank it.

I give thanks to my dark side. I ask forgiveness for the destruction it has caused. I ask forgiveness for the destruction I have caused.

When Hope is Lost...

2004-11-14T15:37:00.000-06:00

Hope is the foundation upon which our future lies - every person's future. Humanities future. A painting that reflects the conscience of its generation came about from the amount of hope and how that hope had been formulated. Perhaps through religion? It is reflected.

And now, through science. Our paintings become more sharp, more metallic in comparison to past generations. What happens if humanity ever loses hope? The hope to live? The hope to love?

Immorality. Can you imagine the worst hell fire? That is what would happen if hope was lost. We would kill each other in our last, miniscule hope to survive. That would be the last thing left. And if one lost the hope to survive?

You are dead. So if you believe in a god, I congratulate you. If you believe in science, I congratulate you. If you believe in humanity, I congratulate you. If you believe in yourself, I congratulate you.

But realize... These hopes are so, very fragile. Fragile as frozen plastic - it cracks and acts like weak paper. The only true hope comes from inside yourself. The strength to do this comes from the conviction inside yourself.

Tired Gray

2004-11-13T13:52:00.000-06:00

Black is a color full of depth and an array of mystery; purple, that of the unknown and otherworldliness. Blue triggers elation or sadness; polar opposites.

Yellow is unfurrowed joy and complete bliss. Green is our source, our living, our foundation, connection, our Earth. Brown is ancient and drowsy; red is passion and unexpected chaos. White is purity or emptiness. Certain people identify with one meaning while another person prefers the other.

But Gray? ... Gray is a dull, depressing color. It is draining. Surround me with airplanes and cement and you won't have Ari; you will have a shell filled with crumbled, exhausted remains. I soak this color in and it penetrates my blood and my heartbeat. It is devastating to my character.

I Want to Know

2004-11-13T13:43:00.000-06:00

I am keen on people's secrets; I want to know them all. It is a tease to me if I don't find out within the alloted time. I want to know what you're ashamed of. I want to know what crimes, moral or naught, you have commited to feel such guilt - to close so tightly in that seedless shell of yours that the public would cast you onto the ground containing unfertile fields.

I want to know your secret passion, your secret love; the secret to grasp your emotion to tears and heartbreak. I want to know, just as you do, to feel shamefully justified.

A Miracle

2004-11-13T13:21:00.000-06:00

Sarah, a close friend of mine, received a miracle from her sister on November 10th, 2004 - 10:13 p.m. on a Wednesday night. It took 16 1/2 hours for Amy Elizabeth to be born. Having a new baby niece, I think Sarah will be well entertained, keeping up with Amy's continual growth!

Would Ancient Queens Look Sexy Now?

2004-11-12T00:51:00.000-06:00

I often wonder of ancient civilizations and classifications of beauty. Would Cleopatra look sexy to today's men? How have we evolved in 'beauty' and 'hygiene' over the millennium? We have in makeup and the changing of bone structure and length of the body; what about perception? We need to backtrack on our perception of beauty. I wonder if Susan B. Anthony would be sexy; or Mary Magdalene? How about Mary, mother of Christ?

In scripture and art, they are described as beautiful creatures - women. It is funny how women are deemed as unattractive if they look the slightest bit like real women. Back then, it was seen as attractive and an indicator of being fertile and feminine. I think as we evolved, food in America especially no longer became a problem. Mothering was dismissed; so, being human, we make problems elsewhere. I don't think this trend will stop.

It is sad, no? After all, putting plates in your lip is sexy in some countries; why can't some of us put up with the common problems people have in these modern countries?

I guess you need a way to cut out potential 'mates'; otherwise, there would be more sexual immorality and divorces in any human civilization.

The Cycle Starts Anew

2004-11-09T23:35:00.000-06:00

I'm tired of the insecurity when people claim to be in 'love'. That word is a bother to me for some reason. It makes me want to crawl up and over a wall and rest over on the other side while everyone else is over on the opposite wall obsessing over something that isn't as good. This concept called 'love'. Pleh...

But you know -- It's funny. You meet someone else and you've seemed to crawl onto that ignorant side of the wall again in your sleep. How?! No one seems to ever be able to wake up when this happens. They don't see it coming until one day -- BOOM. It hits them like a sack of bricks and they are unconscious to everthing around them. You don't need a test or a quiz - hell, a poem or a quote to know if you are in love. All you know is that you are now, AGAIN, on that side of the wall you don't want to be on. The side of the wall you like is full of security: The security of life.

You don't get all of the benifits on only one side of the wall. So you have two choices:
-----You can break down the wall,
-----Or you can sit on top of the wall and converse from there.

Breaking down the wall would require change - major change in yourself and in your self-esteem though it would hurt you if you built it back up again. You wouldn't notice it again the next time.

You could also sit on top of the wall, but where does that get you? You can't travel forward nor back and you still have that doubt stuck in all of your thoughts. And your love? Your 'love' is selfishness - though you don't even admit this fact to yourself. You are ashamed of it.

Don't worry, I am ashamed too, though I am trying to break down the wall. It seems like the best option. I think I am sitting on top of the wall but making my way to the ground to go and get that wrecking ball.

Voluptuous

2004-11-05T06:15:00.000-06:00

I love being voluptuous. When twiggy hit the scene and girls started going crazy with fad diets and binges, starving and throwing up, I sat inside my mother's womb rolling my eyes at the poor innocents who thought these people had control.

I had no control in my mother's womb. Yes, yes - she had everything. She had to eat in order for me to survive. But these girls no longer had a mother's womb. They had to rely on themselves.

The thing is, they have to eat in order for them to survive. But of course, they wouldn't listen to a baby still stuck inside her mother's womb.

I am not fat now, by all means. By standards, I have a 'perfect weight for my height'. But who says what weight is the right weight? The government? The stupid food administration?

Monks eat what is given to them - which isn't a lot. And they seem to be doing pretty well. I don't see any food administration urging them to eat right and exercise everyday. They live life the way they think is morally correct. That is how I think everyone should live their life.

We would be more healthy if that were true. It is all a matter of control - lost it to the chocolate cake? Good, have the control to burn it off running that 3 mile track.

Sorry, but if I want that chocolate cake I am going to enjoy every single bite of it. It will melt in my mouth with every bit of permission I hold in my body. And guess what? I will go to sleep, lay on my pillow in a good mood. But in the morning, I will still be a pretty good weight. I might be a bit bloated but I can go out and have fun. Why be depressed about a piece of chocolate cake?

When you are out being active and having fun, it beats the gym. IT BEATS IT. Why can't Americans have fun anymore? Why are kids having more pressure to do homework and sit around on their ass? (Oh, it's good for them??? Shut the hell up) They need to be given an outlet - an active outlet. Everyday, they can balance homework with play, but any parent who puts homework over play - you are a dumbass. I'm sorry to say, but your child will be an overweight unhappy slob who cares about nothing more than their work and their pitiful depression to get up and make themselves happy. Make themselves active. Think sports are just a bunch of hooey? Well, you can think that. Just make sure you take your kid to the park. Or have them walk with you on the tracks. Hell, make a game out of it if you have to.

Yes. I'm 15. Yes, I'm telling you how to raise your child. But you know why I'm telling you this? Because this is how I wish I was raised. And I see every day children who are pressured and then grow into adults who have a warped self-vision; depression and slobishness.

I love being voluptuous. I love my curviness. I love every bit of my 119-127 pounds on my body. Whether it fluctuates, I wouldn't care. I love the way I look.

And if that's vain? I could give less than shit.

Burn

2004-11-03T00:49:00.000-06:00

I want to burn the things I use to express myself with so bad. You'd say I was crazy; but I want to rip it to shreds and see it crackle and ash as my eyes are peeled before the smoke. It is all good material, but I get too attached to it. All of it. It is the simple things that need to go up in smoke - that perfume bottle, that old record, that short poem; the great painting, the banged piano, the chiseled statue; the wired telephone, the gray television, and that tree that blows right outside your window - You know, the one that blows and whispers at you right after a storm. It seems to have so much kindness, asking you if you are all right; if you survived this ragged storm they had to endure.

But all of it needs to be burned. The urge to destroy emotions connected to these things are chaotic and I start to think that it is me, and not the trees - or perfume - or the telephone.

But only memories of each smell, taste, texture, colour; dyed into the back of our eyes and seen through the opening of our mind. Before I reach for a lighter, a cradle swoops down under me and rocks back and forth across the winds.

He hasn't Given himself to Her

2004-11-03T00:35:00.000-06:00

What would she do if she found out I had betrayed her? That I had stole her temporary joy? She would say it was this sin I had commited - stealing. But he offered himself to me; how do you steal something that offers itself to you?

It isn't my rightful property though; would that then be kidnapping? He isn't my rightful property. As long as he isn't an it, he has the right to give himself to womever he pleases and withdraw whenever he pleases. Would she see it that way? If so, should I care? After all, from me, he hasn't withdrawn from yet.

Yet. I won't care then. I can't. If he withdraws, there's no one left to feel upon anyway.

Fools

2004-11-03T00:29:00.000-06:00

I sat infront of the class because they said I was a good leader. I hesitated when they asked me to sit upon the stool; a girl who never had led before. I explained one concept about the government and they rooted to put me in the teacher's chair.

If you stutter, they will groan and kick you. I did it once and it happened; made me feel guilt over the people whom the class had replaced me with. From this insight, I regained my composure and stole my tranquility back.

No one stepped out of line. I thought, 'Fools' as they asked me questions and took my words at a whim as I calmly explained. Hah! A fifteen year old - three days into this jovial age. Is this how world leaders react? Does the President think as I do? 'Fools'.

I would say not. They believe in equality less than I do. It's to them, I more harshly spit.

'Fools'.

Chapter 3 - My Life

2004-11-03T00:19:00.000-06:00

I was told by someone close that I had changed. Yes, I feel it too - the change. But it is something that only I seem to understand. Everyone else in my circle of acquaintances seem to appreciate this change; the people who told me about the change resent it.

I could understand why this is; they miss my old habits and they don't know what to expect of me. But why should my actions be expected? And how would the change be my fault? I told these people I'd change; I told them there would be another chapter.